Radical Islam = Sensitive Little Girls

The other day, Comedy Central showed their true colors, a pinkish yellow, by bending to the will of muslim extremists who were crying about South Park making fun of Muhammad. As a matter of fact, they weren't even making fun of him directly, but rather eloquently crafting an irreverent satire on how a small portion of Muslims can't solve their problems with anything but violence.

By "problems" I of course mean "cartoons". Let's take a look at the events that led to this brilliant two part episode in the first place. In 2005, a Danish newspaper published a cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad in a brave attempt to show that they won't be intimidated by threats of violence. What did the radical muslims do in response to these drawings? They killed over 100 people.

Apparently the thousands they had already killed four years ago weren't enough. They had to make damn sure that people were going to start respecting Islam. In a way, it kind of worked. The head executives of South Park refused to let them display any image of Muhammad and even censored any audio footage when his name was mentioned. All this because of a few idle threats made by wannabe terrorists who had probably never even fired an RPG before.

The idea of a prophet in any religion is already absurd enough. A prophet is essentially a man, who with the help of many others, convinces a great deal of people that God is talking to him. The only proof of this anyone has, is the Prophet's word ("no like dude, seriously! God totally said to cut of the weird part of the penis!"-Abraham. or -Moses. WHATEVER). Thousands of years later billions of people still have faith in these men, and over the course of history millions have been slain in their name. Of all the religious prophets, South Park has been kindest to Muhammad. In one episode they had a whole minute long sequence of Kyle slitting Jesus Christ's throat.

How many people did the Christians kill after this episode? None, and if you think I'm implying that Christianity is a better religion than Islam, that's your fault for being presumptuous. Every single religion has their strange, often illogical components to them; from the Jew's celebration of penial skin removal to the talking snakes and burning bushes (crabs joke) of Christianity, all the way to the openly fictional tales of Scientology, there is no shortage of things to make fun of, and most of us can take the joke or simply ignore it without killing one hundred people. Just in case you are still sympathizing with muslims who simply do not feel Muhammad's image should be shown, remember this. The muslims who made the death threats have a website that praises Osama Bin Laden and live in New York City. You know, the place where 9/11 happened?

Ke$ha, because the s is like, a dollar sign!!!

Kesha, aka Ke$ha, aka Courtney Love II, is who every young, impressionable woman dreams about being while applying scented lotion and binge drinking 4 Loko. She is everything they love, and everything normal people enjoy hating. In fact, I don't even hate people like her anymore, I've finally learned to accept these people and have come to terms that alcoholic, promiscuous blonde women are more idolized today than any scientist, doctor, or Nobel Prize winning black president.

Upon listening to the "lyrics" in ke$ha's "songs", I have determined the following things about her lifestyle.

• Ke$ha is wasted like, all the fucking time. She has more blackouts than California when Enron was still in business.
• She somehow brushes her teeth with whiskey (not recommended by dentists) and is not coming back.
• Ke$ha is a huge slut, (just listen to her voice, you can tell) and only bangs dudes who look like Mick Jagger.

Also required: Swagger.

Its kind of fitting, because in his glory days Mick Jagger was also a huge drunk slut most of the time. Only difference here is that Mick Jagger is a musician, and Ke$ha is a drunk slut all the time. Ke$ha is only famous because marketing executives decided they needed a Paris Hilton who could sing. Had it not been her, the job would have gone to the next drunk blonde slut. Boom, I just summed up Ke$ha's entire existence in three words.

Jesse Jackson, Go Weave a Basket Under Water

Every time a Portland police officer "justifiably" shoots an unarmed man, you can count on Jesse Jackson getting on his private jet and coming here and being all like, "this is egregious, preposterous, philandrous, and unjust."

We know Portland cops are as trigger happy as Rambo on an acid trip, and we don't need you coming here using all your words that end in "ous" to articulate that to us. We'd riot in the streets just as rampantly without you. The first thing I saw on the local news when I moved here about five years ago, was a story about police officers pulling over a man "who's nice vehicle was suspicious in that neighborhood, and by "nice vehicle" we of course mean "dark skin", shooting him dead, realizing he didn't have a gun, and then saying, "no but he had cocaine on him, so it somehow doesn't matter anymore that we killed an unarmed man". In fact, as of march of 2004 there were three shootings of unarmed African Americans in twenty five months, so we don't need Jesse Jackson coming here to tell us that Portland cops like to kill black people, its already pretty obvious.

Now I'm not saying that all Portland Police Officers like to kill black people, I'm saying that they fucking love to kill black people. They thrive on it. Every Portland police officer starts his day off by taking a piss, drinking a cup of coffee, and hoping to god that today will be the day that a black person will just... give them a reason. Not only are the cops on board with this, their superior officers are ok with it as well, allowing the officers to continue working. Let's take a look at the most recent shooting of Aaron Campbell.

• Campbell's girlfriend called police worried about him being suicidal.


• Police show up, and 90 minutes later Campbell comes out of house, turns around and interlocks fingers behind his head.


• Not satisfied with the his actions so far, multiple bean bag rounds are fired at Campbell's back.


• Campbell, reflexively reaches to an area on his back where he was hit.


• Officer perceives this as a reach for a weapon, and shoots him in the back with one round form his AR 15.


• Paramedics arrive 23 minutes later and find him lying on the ground dead.

In a nut shell, this man was shot multiple times in the back with bean bag rounds, which are far less delightful as they sound, followed promptly by a single round from an assault rifle, and dying before paramedics arrive. You know, because paramedics never show up to suicide calls. Now for a video that I feel adequately symbolizes the situation with the P.P.D.

A Michael Moore Joint

Ever since the economy crashed I've been waiting for someone to make a movie and explain it all to me (yeah, i know there are books but I don't know how to read, only write), and as of now Michael Moore is the only documentary filmmaker to even attempt to make an entertaining movie about it. In general, this movie had a lot of interesting content, but was more boring than a quadriplegic mime. You know, because quadriplegics cant move any part of their body and a mime's act is entirely dependent on him having that ability. Here is a basic rundown of the entire movie from start to finish.

• People crying about losing their homes.
• Unrelated story about companies making money by profiting off of their employees dying by buying life insurance on them.
• People crying again.
• Shots of him wearing a baseball hat that doesn't fit.
• The big finale of him driving an armored car up to major financial institutions demanding money, followed by a fifteen minute Obama love fest.

You're right, Mike. Obama is the perfect choice for dealing with a country run completely by banks. I mean its not like Rahm Emanual, who sat on the board of directors of Fannie Mae is his Chief of Staff, or Tim Geithner, a former CEO of Citi Group is the Treasury Secretary, because that would be a preposterous conflict of interest regarding bank bailouts. OH WAIT! BOTH OF THOSE PEOPLE HOLD THOSE RESPECTIVE POSITIONS!

The vast majority of this movie is spent trying to jerkoff your mind's emotional center until your eyes ejaculate tears (yeah that metaphor just happened) by showing you people who were tricked into giving their houses to the banks, who subsequently tear up faster than Glenn Beck. Far more time is spent on the stories of individual people crying than how insanely corrupt our banking system and government are, which is ultimately why this film blows my balls. Also, there is not a single mention of the Federal Reserve Bank, that isn't actually a part of the U.S. government at all and how our monetary system, like a crack head, only creates debt.

Despite the political inconsistency of Moore's views, I recommend this movie because there are a few scarcely covered events he touches on that I can only described as "hella fucked up" and you'll be all like, "holy shit thats hella fucked up" for DAYS. For instance, a company makes millions by privatizing the juvenile detention center in a small town in Pennsylvania, and a somewhat bipartisan look at why the house market crashed and how the bailout was pushed through. So if you're a lib you've probably already seen this movie the day it came out and if you adhere to the other political ideology(there are ONLY two), watch it until the last fifteen minutes when he gives Obama the closest film equivalent to oral sex, and instead watch the final twenty minutes of Rambo.

Ron Paul 12'

Sports Commentators Aren't Biased Towards the Lakers at All

Before I begin, let me say that today's win was great for me because I've been a Blazers fan for years and have been following them all season. Even the pre-draft workouts.

In the viscous, semen filled minds of all major national sports commentators the Blazers have never beaten the Lakers as a result of their own skill, comparable to five Jesus Christs playing basketball at the same time. This is because the Lakers are the best team in the NBA, Kobe Bryant is like ten Jesus Christs rolled into one... Super Jesus, and a low seeded playoff team like Portland could never conceivably defeat them. Ever.

Today, the Blazers beat the Lakers 91-88, through no fault of their own of course. The final dagger in the chest of the Lakers (wish that wasn't metaphorical) was when Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher missed three consecutive free throws. But according to an FSN sportscaster, the Blazers won because of "questionable decisions on the part of the Lakers"

Bryant; making an important decision

Yeah, Kobe Bryant merely decided to miss his free throws just to keep things interesting. Every time the Blazers beat the Lakers it seems like it is largely ignored and excuses are made as to why it happened, and never have I heard, "wow, the Blazers are so good, they beat the Lakers at their home court without Brandon Roy for a half". But no, all I hear is that "Kobe Bryant decided not to make a few free throws, just to be ironic". Hey sportscasters; Fuck ya'll, all ya'll.