Jesse Jackson, Go Weave a Basket Under Water

Every time a Portland police officer "justifiably" shoots an unarmed man, you can count on Jesse Jackson getting on his private jet and coming here and being all like, "this is egregious, preposterous, philandrous, and unjust."

We know Portland cops are as trigger happy as Rambo on an acid trip, and we don't need you coming here using all your words that end in "ous" to articulate that to us. We'd riot in the streets just as rampantly without you. The first thing I saw on the local news when I moved here about five years ago, was a story about police officers pulling over a man "who's nice vehicle was suspicious in that neighborhood, and by "nice vehicle" we of course mean "dark skin", shooting him dead, realizing he didn't have a gun, and then saying, "no but he had cocaine on him, so it somehow doesn't matter anymore that we killed an unarmed man". In fact, as of march of 2004 there were three shootings of unarmed African Americans in twenty five months, so we don't need Jesse Jackson coming here to tell us that Portland cops like to kill black people, its already pretty obvious.

Now I'm not saying that all Portland Police Officers like to kill black people, I'm saying that they fucking love to kill black people. They thrive on it. Every Portland police officer starts his day off by taking a piss, drinking a cup of coffee, and hoping to god that today will be the day that a black person will just... give them a reason. Not only are the cops on board with this, their superior officers are ok with it as well, allowing the officers to continue working. Let's take a look at the most recent shooting of Aaron Campbell.

• Campbell's girlfriend called police worried about him being suicidal.


• Police show up, and 90 minutes later Campbell comes out of house, turns around and interlocks fingers behind his head.


• Not satisfied with the his actions so far, multiple bean bag rounds are fired at Campbell's back.


• Campbell, reflexively reaches to an area on his back where he was hit.


• Officer perceives this as a reach for a weapon, and shoots him in the back with one round form his AR 15.


• Paramedics arrive 23 minutes later and find him lying on the ground dead.

In a nut shell, this man was shot multiple times in the back with bean bag rounds, which are far less delightful as they sound, followed promptly by a single round from an assault rifle, and dying before paramedics arrive. You know, because paramedics never show up to suicide calls. Now for a video that I feel adequately symbolizes the situation with the P.P.D.

A Michael Moore Joint

Ever since the economy crashed I've been waiting for someone to make a movie and explain it all to me (yeah, i know there are books but I don't know how to read, only write), and as of now Michael Moore is the only documentary filmmaker to even attempt to make an entertaining movie about it. In general, this movie had a lot of interesting content, but was more boring than a quadriplegic mime. You know, because quadriplegics cant move any part of their body and a mime's act is entirely dependent on him having that ability. Here is a basic rundown of the entire movie from start to finish.

• People crying about losing their homes.
• Unrelated story about companies making money by profiting off of their employees dying by buying life insurance on them.
• People crying again.
• Shots of him wearing a baseball hat that doesn't fit.
• The big finale of him driving an armored car up to major financial institutions demanding money, followed by a fifteen minute Obama love fest.

You're right, Mike. Obama is the perfect choice for dealing with a country run completely by banks. I mean its not like Rahm Emanual, who sat on the board of directors of Fannie Mae is his Chief of Staff, or Tim Geithner, a former CEO of Citi Group is the Treasury Secretary, because that would be a preposterous conflict of interest regarding bank bailouts. OH WAIT! BOTH OF THOSE PEOPLE HOLD THOSE RESPECTIVE POSITIONS!

The vast majority of this movie is spent trying to jerkoff your mind's emotional center until your eyes ejaculate tears (yeah that metaphor just happened) by showing you people who were tricked into giving their houses to the banks, who subsequently tear up faster than Glenn Beck. Far more time is spent on the stories of individual people crying than how insanely corrupt our banking system and government are, which is ultimately why this film blows my balls. Also, there is not a single mention of the Federal Reserve Bank, that isn't actually a part of the U.S. government at all and how our monetary system, like a crack head, only creates debt.

Despite the political inconsistency of Moore's views, I recommend this movie because there are a few scarcely covered events he touches on that I can only described as "hella fucked up" and you'll be all like, "holy shit thats hella fucked up" for DAYS. For instance, a company makes millions by privatizing the juvenile detention center in a small town in Pennsylvania, and a somewhat bipartisan look at why the house market crashed and how the bailout was pushed through. So if you're a lib you've probably already seen this movie the day it came out and if you adhere to the other political ideology(there are ONLY two), watch it until the last fifteen minutes when he gives Obama the closest film equivalent to oral sex, and instead watch the final twenty minutes of Rambo.

Ron Paul 12'

Sports Commentators Aren't Biased Towards the Lakers at All

Before I begin, let me say that today's win was great for me because I've been a Blazers fan for years and have been following them all season. Even the pre-draft workouts.

In the viscous, semen filled minds of all major national sports commentators the Blazers have never beaten the Lakers as a result of their own skill, comparable to five Jesus Christs playing basketball at the same time. This is because the Lakers are the best team in the NBA, Kobe Bryant is like ten Jesus Christs rolled into one... Super Jesus, and a low seeded playoff team like Portland could never conceivably defeat them. Ever.

Today, the Blazers beat the Lakers 91-88, through no fault of their own of course. The final dagger in the chest of the Lakers (wish that wasn't metaphorical) was when Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher missed three consecutive free throws. But according to an FSN sportscaster, the Blazers won because of "questionable decisions on the part of the Lakers"

Bryant; making an important decision

Yeah, Kobe Bryant merely decided to miss his free throws just to keep things interesting. Every time the Blazers beat the Lakers it seems like it is largely ignored and excuses are made as to why it happened, and never have I heard, "wow, the Blazers are so good, they beat the Lakers at their home court without Brandon Roy for a half". But no, all I hear is that "Kobe Bryant decided not to make a few free throws, just to be ironic". Hey sportscasters; Fuck ya'll, all ya'll.

In n Out burger coming to oregon

Yeah bitches you heard it here first. Someone who goes to oes' dad has decided to pay twenty million dollars to open up a fast food restaraunt. you can trust my sources too, because I heard it from my friend Nik who heard it from a kid who goes to OES highschool who probably wasn't exaggerating or making it all up for the purpose of getting attention. Probably.

2012 Cataclysmically Reviewed

Source: I have my fucking sources...

First and foremost, I'd like to say fuck you to every person involved in the making of this movie. Mainly to the writers, directors, John Cusack, and most of all to the little girl who screamed the entire fucking time.

The premise of the movie is simple enough; the world is going to end, and the Mayans, along with many other primitive civilizations, saw it coming. The disasters are brought about by neutrinos--small subatomic particles emitted by the sun--mutating. You know, because subatomic particles can mutate. The neutrinos ultimately end up completely a-raping the earth's tectonic plate and volcanic systems by heating them up. The Mayans knew all about it all thanks to their advanced knowledge of the sun's solar flare cycles, plate tectonic theory, quantum physics, and location of every volcano on earth. All of these elements play a crucial role in conveying the deep underlying theme of the movie; people will watch any movie with a high special effects budgets.

John Cusack responds to this by saving his incredibly annoying family from several disasters by mere inches, and its made incredibly awkward because he is separated from his wife and her boyfriend comes with them and ultimately ends up dying near the end. *SPOILER ALERT*. Every scene involving John Cusack provides an important role in the story progression; they are setups for the special effects sequences.

Aside from this main plot there are about seventeen other subplots that eventually end up relating to each other at some point in the movie. This is entirely original, and has never been done before in a movie, especially not Pulp Fiction. These subplots include things like a conspiracy theorist who saw the whole thing coming, a black jazz musician who falls off the wagon after twenty five years, and a wealthy Russian man and his prostitute wife.

The other co-main-plot, if there is such a thing, involves an intrepid geographical researcher who figures out that the end of the world is coming. His findings of course, are initially dismissed and mocked. This has never been done before in a movie, especially not in the movie The Day After Tomorrow. All these plots and subplots are incredibly interesting, and this would be a respectable film on its own right regardless of its ten-times-the-GDP-of-most-third-world-countries special effects budget.

Just kidding. The entire purpose of this movie is to dazzle audiences with special effects. The plot of this movie is less important than the plot to most pornos. The special effects alone would be reason enough to watch this movie if they had excluded one character from this movie; the seven year old daughter.

I can deal with a plot that has less science in it than the Creationist Museum, low rate actors trying to salvage what's left of their career, and dialog that wouldn't make the grade for a PBS sitcom, but the daughter of this movie makes it completely unwatchable. As stated before, this annoying little bitch screams the whole fucking time. And its not just a soft, short cry of distress, its a piercing shrill that is louder than anything currently happening on screen. For example, her screams are heard over Yellowstone Park exploding, skyscrapers in LA crumbling down, and oh yeah, the entire city of LA falling into the ocean.

I can't possibly convey how much I hate this child. I think the Chinese were really on to something when they decided to start aborting all females. Too bad the whole country's a fascist sausage fest now, kind of like Germany in the forty's. Except that was with real sausages, not cocks. Oh by the way, the president in this movie is foreign and black, just like in real life.

For those of you how are financially or religiously restricted from viewing this movie, I made a convenient short novelization of this movie at my latest blog