Celebrities are Capable of Death: News to Me.

In July, an event began of cataclysmic proportions. The day of reckoning for celebrities in America came upon us. It brought the demise of our most beloved such as Billy Mays, and it ended some of societies former social pariahs like Michael Jackson. Just when I thought people who danced around and grabbed what they call their balls for a living couldn't die, my views were shattered.

"Hey, you can't speak ill of the dead like that!"

This piece of dialog usually comes from the same people who like making jokes about when bed time is at the Jackson residents and why Michael attends K-Mart sales. None of these celebrities matter to you. Unless you knew them personally, or were an extremely devoted fan having never used said celebrity in a pedophilia joke, then you have no reason to grieve over it. Or Unless you were really looking forward to seeing the Joker in the next Batman, or a sequel to a movie about gay cowboys. Some of these celebrities didn't even die, but they might as well have. Anyone seen Tiger Woods lately? Fox news said he may have gone to Africa for a little while, but I just assumed this was an other attempt at racial humor.

When Michael Jackson died, there was more media attention than when Kennedy died. My point was proven when Ten Kennedy died. You know him, he was one of those, like, guys that ran the country and things? Michael Jackson's demise, although entirely inconsequential to me, is still infuriating because he was basically murdered by his own doctor. I don't want to go into the details, but lets just say his death certificate COD says 'homicide'. I used to think this country didn't need health care reform but when 120,000 dollars a month for a personal doctor gets you murdered, I would HOPE that something CHANGEs.

Most of these people had alleged drug problems brought to light after they died. They're dead, why does it matter what substances they did before that? Oh yeah, that's right, because you act like you live in L.A., watch TMZ and live your life through the misfortunes of famous people. And what about the most important celebrity of all, William "Billy" Mays? After Billy Mays died after what seemed like a moderate strike to his head from a bag of luggage, it became public that he had been using cocaine. That guy on T.V. who sells slightly altered versions of things I already own by yelling about them used stimulants? GET THE FUCK OUT! I'd be less surprised if I learned that Lady GaGa has a penis.

The event that got the most coverage by a long shot was Tiger Woods' recent sexual affairs with all those waitresses and strippers and stripper-waitresses. Jesus Christ himself could have been resurrected from the dead and people still would have been concerned about Mr. Woods' transgressions. I was just as shocked as everybody else when I heard how much he was scoring, usually women don't go for guys with that much money, and look for more masculine men who don't cry when they lose at golf.

Fact 79: at present rate, every american celebrity in the world will be deceased as of january 2011

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