Johnson Was a Boring Name Anyway

I've been getting a lot of heat lately from readers who find my blogs to be dreadfully negative and cynical to almost apocalyptic proportions. There for, I have decided to take my writings in a new direction. Usually it is hard for me to describe anything with positivity or give anything praise unless I am speaking of the Rambo or Star Wars trilogies, but I believe I have found something that I can talk about in the same manor in which women describe twilight. Let me introduce, my favorite NFL player, legend, and citizen of Earth, a man who needs no introduction, number 85 of the Cincinnati Bengals, the man formerly known as Chad Johnson, CHAD! OCHO! CINCOOOOOOOO!!!!

I apologize for the obscene nature of this picture, but all the available pictures of him on the internet involve him being surrounded by various penises. (peni?)I'm not one to judge someone by their sexuality, being gay is a choice! Please note that the only alteration I made was giving him his trademark platinum mohawk. And besides, my photo editing skills are so great I'm sure you all thought this was an undoctored espn stock photo. (and yes, I DID obtain the NFL and CBS' express written consent to use this photo, signed in blood of course)

Chad Ocho Cinco is not just THE single greatest player to ever grace America's grid irons, he is also America's most joyfully flamboyant entertainer. Some people use harsh, hateful words to judge Ocho Cinco such as 'egotistical', 'narcissistic', and even 'an attention craving whore who makes Paris Hilton look like a frightened dog.' These people have no idea what they're talking about, and in a perfect world, would be deported from the United States in buses. Buses with the words "we should all die prematurely" written on them. Now lets take an objective look at why Ocho Cinco is the best person in the history of the world. And dare I say universe?

First off, Chad has gone on the record stating that European soccer is actually his number one favorite sport. Any American football fan will readily admit to the superiority of soccer over American football, and only a small minority of football fans refer to soccer players as 'field fairies'. Fairies, of course, being a reference to homosexuals. These are people who fail to recognize the FACT that soccer is the world's undisputed favorite sport. An ignoramus who I went to school with recently told me, "Your point is invalid, because the whole world is basically owned by America, and football is America's favorite sport, so by extension, football is the world's favorite sport". Clearly this person has a broken and outdated world view.

Secondly, who can resist his flair and sideline-antics that are so exciting they make the movie 2012 look like a DMV visit or Catholic Church sermon by comparison. A lot of people realize that NFL games are boring and dull, and we need people like Chad to provide us with something to talk about the next day at work so we can derive some type of meaning out of our miserable, insignificant little lives. A few idiots I've talked to think that when Chad donned a jacket which read 'future hall o' famer' on the back that it was 'obnoxious, distracting, and a downright humiliation for not just the NFL, but America as a whole, on the world stage'. Their words, not mine. I maintain that there is nothing arrogant about this at all, simply because its not bragging if its true.

Thirdly, but certainly not least importantly, Chad Ocho Cinco had the shear courage and bravery to do the unthinkable; completely convert his last name to two consecutive spansish numbers. 8, 5. Of course, 85 in spanish is actually Ochenta y Cinco but we all know that NFL sports casters call a player's numbers one at a time. Saying "eighty five" is simply less effective than saying "number eight, five, future Hall of Famer and President of the United States, Chad Ocho Cinco". A friend of mine called this a, "disgrace, no man should willingly erase his last name, forever ending his surname's legacy on this planet. There are only two types of people who should change their name. People in witness protection, and people who have an insatiable craving for attention. Oh wait, Chad Johnson is one of the latter." This guy is clearly a moron, because come on, Johnson? Look in the phone book buddy. There are more guy's named Johnson than there are strait guys not named Ryan Seacrest.

In conclusion, Chad Ocho Cinco is easily the most influential and valuable person on this planet, who's undeniable greatness will never be surpassed. We owe our lives and devotion to this entertainer/athlete, and if I had to, I would take a bullet for Chad. You know what, make that three bullets. If were to pick one person on this planet who I suspected of being Jesus Christ I would say "Chad Javon Ocho Cinco" without batting an eye. Don't listen to the haters Chad, and please continue with your boisterous sideline behavior until the NFL fines you to the point of bankruptcy. I will end this article with a few select quotes from Obama's Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

"I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am not Chad Ocho Cinco."

"I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats of fines by the NFL to the Chad Ocho Cinco."

". . . A non-violent movement could not have halted Hitler's armies. Negotiations cannot convince The NFL's leaders to discontinue their fines of Ocho Cinco."

"The capacity of human beings to think up new ways to kill one another proved inexhaustible, as did our capacity to exempt from mercy those who look different or pray to a different Chad Ocho Cinco"

-Barrack Obama, Nobel Prize winner.