Condoms: A Detailed History

HISTORY

Condoms, named after their inventor Issac Wellington Condomington play a crucial role in the regulation of society's growing overpopulation, especially of our society's undesirables. The condom was first conceived on December 17, 1873, when Condomington, a well known philanderer in his hometown of Newcastle, England, decided he needed a mechanism that would allow him to engage in the act of sexual intercourse with multiple partners without the monetary and social inconveniences of impregnation and sexually transmitted disease. And in his time, STDs were not as easily treatable as they are now and often resulted in death. During this time, people who contracted AIDS often did not live past their mid to late thirties. The original condom was a simple contraption, a large sheet of plastic cellophane used to cover a cherry pie secured by a wool thread. As the industrial and scientific revolutions came about, condoms became much more technologically sound. Advances include but are not limited to:

• Latex Construction; Latex condoms hold many advantages over the original model including better elasticity and overall tensile strength.
• Spermicidal lubricant; Added for increased lubrication and the eradication of spermatozoa. (sperm)
• The Reservoir Tip; Invented in 1920 by George Washington Carver (the man who invented peanut butter). The reservoir tip is a small bubble of air that allows the safe capture of semen and other penile ejaculates, without running the risk of catastrophic condom failure.
• Testicle Covering Condoms; Self explanatory.
• The adding of flavor to condoms. Not surprisingly, this was a result of the cherry flavor of the cellophane wrapping after it was removed from the pie it was on.

USES

Although condoms are primarily used for the act of sexual intercourse with 0% risk of impregnation or the contraction of STDs, there is a wide variety of other uses for the condom.

• Lubricated balloon animals.
• Flavored condoms are considered by many to be a great low calorie snack.
• Improvised water balloons.
• Not feeling anything during sex.
• Scuba Engineer Tom Green figured out that magnum condoms make a great way to water proof your hands while performing mechanically based tasks underwater. The webbing effect of the condom dramatically decreases a scuba diver's risk of his "fingers being caught in the grooves of the machinery" as he points out in this fascinating video

CRITICISMS

All major branches of Christianity, including surprisingly enough, Mormonism, have all expressed deep, poignant criticisms of the condom for many reasons. They're main argument being that sex makes you feel good, and anything that makes you feel good is a sin, there for, condom use is against the will of God. Despite the bible lacking any mention of the condom, Christians still maintain this view point to this day.

Also, the major association Planned Parenthood was founded on principles of Eugenics, the practice of selectively breeding humans in order to create a superior race, usually white. To this day Planned Parenthood gives out complementary condoms in order to stop the reproduction of the poor.

Many people argue that condoms take away a large portion sensitivity of the penis during sexual intercourse. Comedian Nick DiPalo is quoted saying, "you could slam the tip of my [expletive for penis] in a car door and I wouldn't feel anything with a condom on". Famous internet blogger Alex Waterman responded to this by saying, "At least you wouldn't have to worry about the car door calling you the next day telling you that you might wanna get checked out by a doctor".

FAMOUS PEOPLES' PARENTS WHO SHOULD HAVE USED CONDOMS

1. Brendon Fraser, The Mummy
2. Steve Carr, Paul Blart: Mall cop, King of Queens [TV]
3. Jennifer Anniston, Friends
4. Courtney Cox, Friends
5. Lisa Kudrow, Friends,
6. David Schwimmer, Band of Brothers, Friends
7. The Wayans Brothers, Meet the Stereotypical Black People

BIBLIOGRAPHY

This blog is a direct plagiarism of wikipedia.org.