The Solution to Global Warming

I have figured out the only two possible solutions to global warming that will completely eliminate the effect we have on the Earth's climate. It is despicable to think that we humans could keep destroying this precious world by contributing to 5% of a "green house gas" that accounts for .025% of the Earth's atmosphere. I am speaking of course, about Carbon Dioxide!!1! And so here are my two proposals.

1. Proposal 1: We completely abandon all the technological progress we've made as humans and revert back to the days of horse-based travel and candle based lighting. We all know that solar and wind power don't account for jack shit of our power needs, and that hybrid cars, even though they use less gas, still emit carbon dioxide, there for hybrids have solved absolutely nothing at all.
2. Proposal 2: We all kill ourselves. Kind of hard to for us to pollute if we're all dead. Think about it, it makes perfect sense!
   

For those of you who have absolutely no ability to detect sarcasm, I am not a fan of this whole global warming movement. Even if it were real, which all true scientific evidence says it isn't, it would be thousands of years before we were truly effected. And even if it were true and global warming were able to have harmful effects by the next generation, guess what Bob Dylan, I don't plan on ever having kids! Put that in your bong and smoke it.

If you believe humans are responsible for climate change, and we should pay ludicrous carbon taxes to prevent this problem, you are wrong. You are as wrong as the Iranians who deny the holocaust, and you are as wrong as Charlie Sheen for thinking 9/11 was a government conspiracy. (I still love Platoon and Two and a Half Men though) Feel free to try to convince me otherwise, I always enjoy a good laugh.

Changes I'm Making in my Life Now that I'm Twenty

Here is a comprehensive list of behavioral changes I will be making now that I am a twenty year old young adult. To begin, here is a list of words I will be effectively striking from my vocabulary, and justification for doing so.

1. Hella- This has been the hipster way of saying "very" for about 6 years now, and is short for "hell of a".
2. Douche Bag- I can think of at least 20 words I can call someone that are more insulting than a feminine hygiene device.
3. Hella Douche Bag- I need to think of better ways of insulting people than calling them "very douche bags"
4. The- Such an overused, over rated word. There is no need for it. Why say "the cat jumped over the dog" when you can say "cat jumped over dog" 'The' is a complete waste of my time, and is there for stricken from my vocabulary.
5. Righteous- I've never used this word before, and don't intend to
6. On the Reg- How about instead of saying, "I get drunk on the reg" people say "I am intoxicated quite often" Get some class.
7. Strapped- I'm not strapped, I'm carrying a concealed weapon. Had I been 'strapped' I'd be in prison for a year
8. Talkin' Shit- Replaced by "Making derogatory comments"

Now for some phrases or situations I no longer find humorous.

1. That's what she said- Over the years 'she' has said a lot of things. From its getting hard, to its in the hole, to even the must unwarrantable phrases like try this tie on for me.
2. The number 69. Having learned the crude, disgraceful meaning of this number in fifth grade, I think its time I stop blurting out fake laughter any time my Community College professor tells us to turn to page 69.
3. Somebody getting kicked in the nuts- This has been a classic for years, but its humor is starting to wear off. I will only laugh at this unless there is some context, such as the kick recipient being a police officer or trusted religious official.
4. The Austin Powers trilogy- These movies stopped being funny to me years ago, but its good to finally make it official.
5. Every time Obama says that universal health care will not raise taxes or increase our national deficit. I admit, I laughed pretty hard the first few times, but now he's just killing it.
6. Your mom- These jokes really only work on Italians, and I don't know too many of them

I hope you enjoyed these lists. Actually, what the fuck do I care. I'm 20 years old. I'm not here to amuse you, or your mom, whom by the way I 69'ed the other night. That's right, I talk shit on the reg. I'll see all you hella douche bags later, I'm gonna go watch all the Austin Powers movies, but fast forward to the part where people get kicked in the nuts.

On Being Twenty

The twentieth birthday has absolutely no meaning except for these two: I am no longer a teenager, and I have only a year left until I am deemed mature enough by the United States to purchase and consume alcohol. For some, twenty is a major mile stone. To me, of course, it means absolutely nothing. Here are some other birthdays deemed important that I still find to be irrelevant.

Six Months: Whoop dee fucking doo your baby is still alive after six months and no one has shaken it to death.

10 years: Double digits, big deal. you still cant drink or smoke.

13 years: Great, now you're a god damned teenager. Have fun growing pubes, smelling bad, and being extremely awkward around member of the opposite sex.

16 years: This birthday is only important to those who's parents can afford to buy them a car, and pay outrageously high insurance for them.

And that concludes my list of birthdays that I don't much care for. Have a nice day, and may God have mercy on your soul.

If These Shows are What Reality is, Then Kill Me Now

Deadliest Catch: Give me a fucking break. The fact that people actually watch this show is proof enough for me that the United States educational system has failed us. Is it really that hard to believe that people take large boats off the coast of Alaska and catch crab? Is it even harder to believe that it isn't that easy of a job? This is easily the most redundant of the reality shows. One boat has an easy time catching crab, another has a fairly mediocre but average catch, and the other boat gets stuck in treacherous ice, and the captain has to make a decision that could decide the fate of millions of people world wide.

Operation Repo: One of my favorite. Nothing is more entertaining than seeing some dead beat who's three months behind on their 99 Pontiac Grand Am lease get into a heated argument with a repo man, usually swearing. Verbal disagreements, classic! I can't watch this show because its too depressing to know that these assholes are actually real people. One person even lit the car on fire that the repo men were trying to claim. This must of been staged, because no one is stupid enough to destroy a car they don't even own. But then again, America isn't that bright these days, look at all the people who can't get jobs! They should make the opposite of this show and call it Payed in Full: A reality show chronicling the colorful lives of ordinary citizens who make full, prompt payments on the property they have leased.

Survivor: Other than the fact that there have been roughly 8-10 thousand seasons of this show since it was originally aired, every season is the same. There's a bunch of tools on an island, who eat bugs twice during the whole series, and compete in physically tasking events such as walking across a narrow log, maintaining balance in order to not fall into the treacherous shallow water bellow. My main gripe with this show is that the very title is flagrantly misleading. The title 'Survivor' implies that at least some of the people on the show die. And of course nobody does. Thank you, net work sensors. On this show apparently "not surviving" means sitting around a bunch of mosquito replant torches and having the group vote on who they like the least. And the person who 'survives' and makes it all the way gets something like a million dollars. Which is bullshit because usually your reward for being a survivor is not dying.

Ice Road Truckers: I've never actually seen this show but I'm assuming it has to do with truck drivers doing their jobs in less-than-ideal road conditions. Yawn. probably doesn't even detail all the meth and hookers involved in a trucker's life.

America's Next Top Model: I once saw about twenty minutes of this show while waiting for my sister to give me the T.V. and I would rather have AIDS than ever watch this show again. The women on this show aren't even hot. They should call it America's Next Top Holocaust Survivor. Seriously, if you took the black ones from that show and put them in Ethiopia, they'd blend right in. I expect a certain level of fatlessness from women, but these bitches look like dogs that have been neglected by their owners. And I don't wanna hear any "BUT THEY WORK SO HARD!!!" yeah, its real fucking hard to put clothes on, walk a strait line, turn around, and walk back. Well I guess it might be when you have as much muscle as you do skin.

Intervention: This show should be called "Wanna Feel Like a Generally Successful Individual?" Well I guess someone had to profit on the misfortunes of others. Who knows, maybe it has been a factor in our countries decreased drug use. I mean last thing I wanna do after I see a 36 year old man speedballing cocaine and heroin in his mom's garage is, well, speedball cocaine and heroin.

Ghost Hunters: Ghost hunters is about a group of paranormal investigators who travel the world in search of, you guessed it, ghosts. How many ghosts have these fake fucks actually gotten on camera? Zero. But what you do get is plenty of Blair Witch style close ups of faces with frightened confusion, spooky audio clips of noises that are consistent with that of an old, creaking house, and a website with a helpful glossary of terms used during the show. This glossary helps to clear up ghost hunting neophytes with definitions to head scratchers like "Digital Audio" and "Entity". And all this time I thought Digital Audio was some type of horse.

More to come. If I feel like it.

Hamsters: America's Favorite Short Term Pet

People who allow their children to own hamsters, or anyone else for that matter, really piss me off. They some how put up with the smell of urine soaked wood shavings for the entire 8 months they are alive. It is of course customary to purchase at least two or more hamsters because otherwise, one would get lonely. Because we all know that hamsters experience complex human emotions such as loneliness, fear, and ironic betrayal.

Every experience I've ever had with hamsters has been both emotionally taxing on myself and the other people around me. Mostly other people though, as I generally tend to not be very emotional. The first two hamsters my sister had when she was nine lived well into their ninth month of existence, but tragically suffered simultaneous deaths one night before school.

I awoke to cry's of bitter despair as she lay weeping over the odoriferous cage. Their lifeless corpses were sprawled out in similar directions as if they had been running from some perceived threat. No autopsy was performed, so their cause of death is still to be determined. I maintain the Russians had something to do with it. A proper burial was held, but my sister's anguish was renewed after one of our cats unearthed one of the deceased hamsters and proudly brought it inside.

How such grief over a simple, mindless rodent is still far beyond my realm of comprehension but I think we can all agree that the only way to save our children from the anguish of premature sudden hamster death is to simply refrain entirely from purchasing these filthy creatures. There is no conceivable reason to own a hamster. They spend their entire, miserable, insignificant lives inside of plastic boxes, with brief intervals of being held in the hands of some clumsy child, who will in all likelihood drop it on the floor, let it scurry under the couch, and eventually die. Seeing them run on their exercise wheels loses its novelty after the third or fourth time, and the smell that emanates from their cages is unbearable at best. In conclusion, if I ever have kids, and chances are I won't, I will NEVER allow them to own any type of hamster unless they move out. And if my wife has a problem with that, then she can just sleep on the couch. Have a good night, stay in school, don't do drugs, and beg God for forgiveness of your sins and to have mercy on your soul. 2012 is coming. Have you made the right choices in life?

Give the Balloon Boy Hoaxers a Fucking Medal

Good job, you fucking assholes, you really got us good with your little "oh no my six year old son some how managed to get inside of a weather balloon we have for some reason and take off in it!" routine. Bet you guys weren't counting on your son telling reporters that he "thought we were doing this for the T.V. show" when asked why he didn't come out of hiding when called. Lets see you act your way out of that one, thespians. (the couple met in acting school) I'm very angry about this whole turn of events because when it all started I had bet my friend 20 bucks that the kid was in the balloon.

I'm just surprised Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson didn't inject themselves into this media frenzy, as they do with every media frenzy about a white person. "If this had been a black boy from south Harlem trapped in weather balloon, America wouldn't be hearing anything of this" Which reminds me, I saw early this morning that Don Imus (The Nappy Headed Hoe guy) is back on television. 5 dollars to whoever correctly guesses which news network.

But anyway back to the hoaxers. Its been uncovered that these two people did this so they could some how have their own reality show in the future. It could be like John and Kate Plus 8 except that there's no conceivable reason for these people to have a reality show. I can't really think of a suitable title except for I Was Famous For Two Hours Because My Son Was Thought To Trapped in a Weather Balloon So I Get My Own Show. Doesn't really roll of the tongue does it?

Even though authorities claim that this was the work of the two parents, I am quite certain I know who is behind this. Trucker Hat connoisseur Ashton Kutcher.

Fucker got us good

Meth Busters: Concerned Citizens Not Making the Slightest Difference

In Salem Oregon a group of known citizens who affectionately refer to themselves as "the Meth Busters" (Clever) are at it again; ridding our lackluster state's capitol of meth amphetamine by monitoring the behavior of known meth users (invading their right to privacy) and going into small convenience stores and asking them to remove their bongs, hookahs, scales, and even small plastic bags. I can just hear the meth addicts now; "How am I supposed to buy meth if it doesn't come in small plastic baggies!"
All these people are doing is wasting their time in a clear attempt to become local celebrities by appearing every few months on the 11 o'clock news. Meth is quickly becoming the scourge of our nation, but harassing shop owners who are selling products that are completely legal is not going to solve this problem. If these old whores came into my shop the exchange of words would probably go something like this:
Me: "Hello aging whores, what can I do for you?"
Whore 1: "uhm.. yeah.. we've got some questions about you're behind the counter merchandise"
Me: "What can I get you?"
Whore 2: "What exactly is this?"
Me: "That's a glass pipe. Strictly for tobacco"
Whore 1: "Yeah... uhm... and all this other stuff?"
Me: "well lets see, we've got the old glass waterpipes, chillums, glass roses, scales for precisely weighing small amounts of chemicals, and the always popular tiny plastic baggies and torch lighters. Definitely not for using meth, if that's what you're asking"
Both Whores: "uhm... yeah... we're going to need you to get rid of all this stuff, it promotes drug use"
Me: "Excuse me? what are you old whores talking about? All I'm doing is selling perfectly legal materials to underweight, scab-faced, lifeless looking NASCAR fans. I don't know what they're doing with it"
Whores: "Don't you see! Those are meth addicts! They're using your products to smoke meth!"
Me: "Yeah? Well what about people who smoke pipe tobacco from glass pipes because they don't like the aftertaste from wooden pipes? Or up-and-coming chemists who can't afford a triple beam balance? Now get the fuck out and let me sell my wares in peace"
Whores: "We'll leave, but just wait until the 11 oclock news comes on tonight! We're going to public defame the shit out of your store!"
Me: "Oh no, now all 6 people who watch the local news are going to know what a threat my store is! I'm a store owner, not a god damned public relations consultant."

And how are they supposed to "monitor the behavior of known meth users"? Meth users don't exactly sleep that often. And don't these people have jobs? My theory is that these are just former stay at home moms, who's children have all gone off to college or moved out, and need something to do now that they've lost their battle against violence in the media, the UFC, and obscenity. These women are doing absolutely nothing to combat the problem of meth amphetamine. I would bet my Farmville Farm that not a single meth user has quit as a result of their actions. They are just a bunch of old attention whores who think they make some type of difference to the world. Its like someone cloned Hillary Clinton.

Condoms: A Detailed History

HISTORY

Condoms, named after their inventor Issac Wellington Condomington play a crucial role in the regulation of society's growing overpopulation, especially of our society's undesirables. The condom was first conceived on December 17, 1873, when Condomington, a well known philanderer in his hometown of Newcastle, England, decided he needed a mechanism that would allow him to engage in the act of sexual intercourse with multiple partners without the monetary and social inconveniences of impregnation and sexually transmitted disease. And in his time, STDs were not as easily treatable as they are now and often resulted in death. During this time, people who contracted AIDS often did not live past their mid to late thirties. The original condom was a simple contraption, a large sheet of plastic cellophane used to cover a cherry pie secured by a wool thread. As the industrial and scientific revolutions came about, condoms became much more technologically sound. Advances include but are not limited to:

• Latex Construction; Latex condoms hold many advantages over the original model including better elasticity and overall tensile strength.
• Spermicidal lubricant; Added for increased lubrication and the eradication of spermatozoa. (sperm)
• The Reservoir Tip; Invented in 1920 by George Washington Carver (the man who invented peanut butter). The reservoir tip is a small bubble of air that allows the safe capture of semen and other penile ejaculates, without running the risk of catastrophic condom failure.
• Testicle Covering Condoms; Self explanatory.
• The adding of flavor to condoms. Not surprisingly, this was a result of the cherry flavor of the cellophane wrapping after it was removed from the pie it was on.

USES

Although condoms are primarily used for the act of sexual intercourse with 0% risk of impregnation or the contraction of STDs, there is a wide variety of other uses for the condom.

• Lubricated balloon animals.
• Flavored condoms are considered by many to be a great low calorie snack.
• Improvised water balloons.
• Not feeling anything during sex.
• Scuba Engineer Tom Green figured out that magnum condoms make a great way to water proof your hands while performing mechanically based tasks underwater. The webbing effect of the condom dramatically decreases a scuba diver's risk of his "fingers being caught in the grooves of the machinery" as he points out in this fascinating video

CRITICISMS

All major branches of Christianity, including surprisingly enough, Mormonism, have all expressed deep, poignant criticisms of the condom for many reasons. They're main argument being that sex makes you feel good, and anything that makes you feel good is a sin, there for, condom use is against the will of God. Despite the bible lacking any mention of the condom, Christians still maintain this view point to this day.

Also, the major association Planned Parenthood was founded on principles of Eugenics, the practice of selectively breeding humans in order to create a superior race, usually white. To this day Planned Parenthood gives out complementary condoms in order to stop the reproduction of the poor.

Many people argue that condoms take away a large portion sensitivity of the penis during sexual intercourse. Comedian Nick DiPalo is quoted saying, "you could slam the tip of my [expletive for penis] in a car door and I wouldn't feel anything with a condom on". Famous internet blogger Alex Waterman responded to this by saying, "At least you wouldn't have to worry about the car door calling you the next day telling you that you might wanna get checked out by a doctor".

FAMOUS PEOPLES' PARENTS WHO SHOULD HAVE USED CONDOMS

1. Brendon Fraser, The Mummy
2. Steve Carr, Paul Blart: Mall cop, King of Queens [TV]
3. Jennifer Anniston, Friends
4. Courtney Cox, Friends
5. Lisa Kudrow, Friends,
6. David Schwimmer, Band of Brothers, Friends
7. The Wayans Brothers, Meet the Stereotypical Black People

BIBLIOGRAPHY

This blog is a direct plagiarism of wikipedia.org.

PETA isn't Going to be too Happy About This

The geniuses behind what some regard as the greatest technological achievement of our time have done it again. The Snuggie has undergone a long awaited aesthetic overhaul. To those reading this who just got out of prison, a Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves on it. The epitome of elegant simplicity. How was the snuggie invented you ask? By some guy's mom about 10 years ago so he would be able to write and not be cold at the same time in his college dorm. And all this time I just thought some guy put his robe on backwards in a drunk stupor and said, "I'm a millionaire!" Its major selling points are;

• Making it easier to perform simple tasks like holding your dog or using the phone while in a blanketed state.
• Saving you money on heating. Some how.
• Repelling unwanted attention from the opposite sex.
• Eternal everlasting life.

But despite these ironclad design features the cultural phenomenon has lost its momentum. The three basic colors in which it were originally released sufficed the needs of simple, blue collar Americans, but they were having a hard time earning that upper-class, bush vote dollar. Probably because they can afford heat. So the marketing team spearheaded this problem by asking themselves, what is it that rich people like? It didn't take long for them to reach a conclusion. Dead animals.

"When are you going to make snuggie thats more stylish for me?" The woman asks. And before she can even finish, boom, we already did, bitch. Then as if by some act of God, her bland, working-class Snuggie is instantly transformed into an elegant fashion statement that is sure to turn more heads on the red carpet than Kanye West in a humble, non-confrontational mood. And the blanket ends well below the feet, so no more paparazzi crotch shots while exiting a vehicle for astute red headed actresses. And according to this commercial, the designer Snuggie can be used as a "decorative throw" by leaving it on your couch. I didn't know leaving things lying around classified as home decor these days. But then again, I still haven't changed my forwarding address for Home and Garden Monthly.

I can't wait to hear about someone wearing this in public and having some PETA demonstrator splash animal blood on them and in a self righteous frenzy shout "FUR IS MURDER". I always wonder, if PETA is so concerned about the wellbeing of animals, how come they always seem to have animal blood on hand at all times? Think about it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to my local church so I can thank God for the leopard print Snuggie. And the for the Rambo movies.