Take My Eyes, but Not My Flavored Cigarettes!

Well ladies and gentlemen it looks like the United States government finally got the hint and made all flavored cigarettes illegal. This mainly consists of cinnamon, cherry, and vanilla cloves. If you don't know what a clove is, its basically a black cigarette that tastes like a chewy (joint with coke on it), but instead of weed and cocaine, its tobacco and cinnamon. They also have a delightful crackle when smoked. Its like smoking a bowl of rice crispies treats. The only flavored cigarette not included in the federal band are menthols, for obvious reasons. Needless to say, flavored cigarettes make up a very small percentage of the tobacco market in the U.S. (1%.) and are mainly smoked by nontraditional Americans such as hippies and butch lesbians, so one would assume I would rejoice in their recent illegality.

But nothing could be further from the truth. As someone not belonging to the hippie/butch lesbian subculture I have no worldly desire smoke cloves, so this ban does not directly effect me at all. But its the people behind this ban who i have a deep seeded hatred for; The American Soccer Mom.

American soccer mom's believe that any time their child does something wrong, there is always something out there to blame other than their less-than-acceptable parenting skills. "Video games made my son violent, Family Guy taught him to swear, and Harry Potter taught him the dark arts, a clear violation of Christianity". Now they're saying that their children are smoking flavored cigarettes because everyone knows that only children enjoy fruit and/or cinomon flavored things.

Apparently their children have reached the tender age of 15-17, and are clearly in an experimental phase where they do things like drink Smirnoff ice, (marketed to children), smoke Djarum Brand Cherry Cloves(marketed to children) and use black-tar heroin(again, marketed to children) I was wondering why parents were so outraged all this, so I did some research and the results were shocking. WARNING viewer discretion advised.










I know, right? Truly unbelievable. We need to get flavored cigarettes out of the hands of children and back into the hands of society's undesireables. Like I said, I'm not a clove smoker but what angers me about this ban is that the government is greatly over stepping their bounderies. The root of this problem ironically goes back to the Obama administration. Like that guy knows anything about good cigarettes. He smokes Marlboro Reds for christs sake. His administration granted the F.D.A. (Fucking Dumb Asses) the right to regulate tobacco.

There are already regulations in place that prevent children from buying cigarettes and heavily penalize the sale of tobacco to minors. And other than the ads I just mentioned, the amount of advertisement for cloves is limited to small posters in dive bars and (probably) pornographic magazines. I would be willing to bet that at least 65% of people under 18 don't even know that flavored cigarettes exist. Next thing you know flavored condoms will be illegal by March. And I just don't think I have the endurance to write a long enough blog about that.