When Will My Nightmares Stop?

I'll tell you when. They'll stop when they take vaginal cream commercials off the air. They are absolutely the most disgusting commercials on T.V. "That itch you can't scratch," "feminine odor," and who can forget, "vaginal discharge" or words no man should have to ever hear, ever. I think hearing a Vagisil commercial mid hookup would kill my mood almost as fast as her calling me by another mans name. (which has thankfully never happened, but Alex is a pretty common name so who knows) At the end of every Viagra commercial they actually tweaked it a bit and now say "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor or watch a Vagisil commercial" And really, do women really need commercials to point them to what cream they need when, for lack of better words, things are not going well down there? I think "Vagisil" is pretty obvious. The only women who aren't aware of Vagisl that I can think of are NASCAR fan wives, and I'm sure their husbands don't notice it because their own B.O., and the stench of leftover spaghettios in their kitchen covers it up.

What about men? Where's the Penisil? Or how about Testiclean? Soap works in the shower to get rid of the odor but doesn't offer protection after sports or other activities, and as me and a couple of my friends found out a couple years ago, AXE on the balls does nothing but cause short term pain. Us men need a product that protects us from that mood killing odor, and that itch we're not supposed to scratch but we do anyway. I would try an antiperspirant deodorant, but after the AXE incident you can understand why I would be hesitant. But anyway, Johnson and Johnson or Old Spice or whoever need to get on that.

Bank of America's Protection is as Effective as Pulling Out

The other day I had 23 dollars in my bank account because I'm poor and don't have a job. So I go out to eat. McDonald's, of course, because I'm poor and don't have a job. So that was 6 dollars gone. Another day passes and I feel like going to some place fancy; Panda Express. Another 8 dollars gone. The day after that I check my account to see if have enough for a Craigslist escort when I'm confronted with the red fonted -12.34. I was utterly perplexed. I've never been Stephen Hawking when it came to math, (although I can do spot on robot impression) but I was sure that 23 - 7 - 8 > -12.34. When I checked my list of charges to see where I had bought something for twenty dollars, I saw a 10 dollar "overdraft protection fee" followed by a 10 dollar account hold fee. It was the Irony of Ironies. Something that seemingly protects me from over drafting has caused me to do just that. It reminded me of how mobsters go in and fuck up store fronts so that the owner would pay them protection money. So I check the bank's website to see what overdraft protection is. I am not exaggerating, there were literally two sentences saying what it was, and another saying that it didn't cost any money. I haven't gone to the bank yet to confront them about this issue, but I'm guessing this is how its going to go.

Me "Excuse me, I have a small problem. I was arbitrarily charged 20 dollars from my account by your overdraft protection program, even though I had 8 dollars in my account.

Banker "Overdraft protection is a service to help you prevent returned checks and overdrafts on your checking account. With overdraft protection, available funds from your savings account, line of credit, or credit card are automatically transferred to your checking account if you should overdraw your account".

Me "Uhm... I know.. I read that verbatim from your companies website. I over drafted because of a charge I was never made aware of.

Banker "Actually (prints out my statement) the overdraft protection fee was applied before you you ate at Panda Express. I like your taste in fine dining by the way, and you have the prettiest eyes.

Me "BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE OVERDRAWN IF THAT CHARGE WAS NEVER MADE. I didn't come here to argue, just give me my 8 dollars back. I have a date with a woman I met on Craigslist and I'm running late."

Banker "I'm sorry corporate headquarters just released a memo not allowing us to give money back for banking errors. Please step away, as this line is only for customers who have money with the bank"

Me "You stole that last line from Southpark! You'll soon regret this. As soon as I get home I'm going to write a blog about this incident, and no ones going to want to do business with this bank ever again, because a lot of people read my blog."

Banker "Have a nice day! We hope to see you soon!"

Me "You will see me soon. Craigslist. Casual Encounters."

Man thats going to be awkward when it happens.

and to the ladies, I'm actually a wealthy business man, and none of this is actually true.

NASCAR Vs. Formula 1: An Unbiased Comparison

There are not enough words in the English language to adequately portray my utter hate for NASCAR. There is nothing worth watching about the "sport". And yet every year millions of McCain voters tune in and flock to NASCAR events, so they can see like, what, 80? cars lined up two by two driving around in a very fixed oval pattern 500 times. The cars weren't originally designed for racing. They're passenger sedans with faster engines, better tires, and doors that don't open up.

Not a lot of people know this, but NASCAR actually originated after the prohibition era when bootleggers who had to drive their regular cars at break neck speeds in order to evade the police decided they to start challenging each other to races on fixed courses. We may have our right to drink alcohol back, but there is nothing America can do now to reverse the naSCAR they've left on the face of this country

Now, time for an unbiased comparison of the American NASCAR and Formula 1, which is popular everywhere else in the world.

• Formula 1 drivers go at extreme speeds, sometimes upwards of 200mph around left AND right turns.
• NASCAR drivers go the same speed, around 150 mph, the whole time, in a circle.
• Formula 1 cars are specifically engineered for racing. Their technology is constantly evolving.
• NASCAR cars are based on 4 door sedans. They haven't really changed much.
• Formula 1 has a world wide fan base.
• NASCAR has a fan base consisting of Americans with wheels on their homes.

But don't take my word for it. Just watch this educational video

There really is no comparison. I'm not even an F1 fan, I just don't know why America doesn't get it together and abolish NASCAR and replace it with real racing. What's even worse is how NASCAR fans think that F1 fans are all snobs. No, they're not snobs. They just don't fly the confederate flag from their 85 bronco and wear Busch light t-shirts.

Hits and Hiphop stations: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

In Portland Oregon we have an incredibly unique radio station called 107.5. I'm sure there is no other station in the world quite like it. What they do is take the 5 most popular rap/r &b songs and play them in rotation, followed by twenty minutes of commercials, a few words from a DJ who doesn't actually pick which music to play, and then the same 5 songs again. Currently the four songs are Pitbull: Hotel room, Pitbull: I know you want me (half of the songs lyrics are in the title) Black Eyed Pees: I gotta feeling and, Fabolous: Throw it in the Bag(finally, a song about placing my miscellaneous items like my cell phone and wallet into a bag), and Drake: You the best. Even though the main purpose of creating these songs is to make money off of young impressionable teenagers by spoon feeding them "music" that some guy in a suit decided was marketable to teens and young adults, I still find some of them quite entertaining. But I can only hear the phrase "HO-TEL MO-TELL HOLIDAY INN" So many times in one hour. But I'd rather listen to their music for 20 hours strait than listen to their morning show for 10 minutes.

The show mainly consists of a young sounding guy who doesn't sound like he should be on the radio, one of those liberal women who thinks that way because everyone else does, and a guy who sounds like a younger, more coked out version of Lewis Black known only as "PK" who interrupts both of them every time they talk. He is a fast talking, loud mouthed, opinionated moron. Being opinionated is usually a good thing if you're a radio host, but its usually assumed you'll be able to back up your opinions. PK is the type of person who becomes visibly frustrated and offended when people disagree with him on even the most trivial matters. "What do you mean you don't like marinara sauce on spaghetti?! EVERYONE likes marinara sauce! Fuck this, I'm out of here." When PK shares one of his misguided opinions on his lame morning radio show, he presents them as absolute fact. And its not like his co hosts bring anything to the table either. The only analogy for this show I can think of is to picture three retarded people arguing over what happened at the end of the Lion King. But then again, this is a radio channel who's job is to spoon feed "music" to a target demographic that will invariably like whatever they play.

America's Pass Time Part Deuce

So anyway after 7th grade I began to despise baseball because I realized how dreadfully slow and uneventful it is. I know what you're thinking, "but alix, basball iz lik soo cool and teh shit!" You're argument is flawed in so many ways. Even back in the day it was better than it is now (which isn't saying much) and here's why.

This woman is currently the best baseball player in america. Seriously this guy looks like he listens to panic at the disco and has a myspace display name that says XxTIMxX {theFrEaK} HARDxCORE -linceCUM- What happened to the good old days when men played baseball like Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson? I'll tell you what happened. They started persecuting athletes who used (gasp) performance enhancing drugs.

I don't understand how its cheating if you're using naturally occurring substances in order to boost your performance in a way that is good for both your stats and the popularity of the sport. We humans are very different from any other being on this planet. We came to be without a warm covering of fur so we made clothes. Killing deer is too hard with our bare hands so we made guns. And we are naturally not strong enough to hit 70 home runs in a season, so we made steroids. Out of naturally occurring chemicals.

And don't get me started on the sheer insolence of our congress for indicting Roger Clemens and forcing him to testify in front of a congressional committee. Too late! I'm started! I think congress has bigger more important things to worry about like, I don't know, the war, the economy, and abolishing clove cigarettes. I don't think someone "cheating" at baseball should be much of a concern for them. Thats like the time in elementary school when I got called into the principals office for cheating at kickball. I was using a corked shoe, and to this day I maintain that I was accidentally wearing my kickball home run derby shoes. There is also still an asterisk next to my name on a trophy in the schools glass case where it says "Alex Waterman; Best Kickball Player Ever*" underneath a trophy of me holding a large sword.

This whole topic ultimately comes down to all you sportsmanship blow-hards (i am still using the term "blow-hard" in its literal definition) who feel that sports have become tainted by the use of performance enhancing drugs. You think that athletes who use steroids are Godless frauds who's crime of using steroids is worse than murder and rape combined. If athletes are so bad, maybe you just shouldn't watch sports. The way I see it, sports are now more fun and exciting to watch as a result, and as far as the long term health side effects, I really don't see why I should care. Hey, its not me jamming a needle into the fleshy part of my ass, and drastically shortening my life because I want my profession to be running around in a circle wearing a button down shirt and striped pants.

My Thoughts on America's "pass time" Pt 1.

As a child growing up my parents felt the compulsive urge to sign me up for little baseball every year. Every spring I was filled with anticipation for the excitement of trying to hit a ball quickly moving through the air, and then attempting to run around in a circle. It was awesome losing every game because the coach always let his son pitch, bat first, and decide which type of big league chew was the best. That was my favorite part of baseball, gum shredded to look like chewing tobacco. Big League Chew was fine, but candy cigarettes were thought to be conceived by satan himself around this time.

It took me a few seasons to gain enough respect to move from standing around doing nothing in left field to standing around and and occasionally doing something on first base. First base of course, being the most important infield position besides pitcher. Then my pitching skills increased and I'd get to close games. Pitching of course, being the only position in baseball that can offer any enjoyment at all. Hitting wasn't much fun either. Aside from an occasional single, I would usually strike out. This was followed by cheers of patronizing approval from the team parents as they would all say things like, "good swing!" and "you'll get it next time!". First of all, if it were a good swing I would have hit the ball. Second of all, unless you're a psychic or Jesus Christ or both, I have no reason to trust your prediction of me "getting it next time". My little league career went pretty well towards the end. I made the the all star game and pitched the last three innings. Needless to say, we fucking won.

My enjoyment for baseball however would come to an abrupt halt in seventh grade. Due to a severe flu, I missed the first two days of tryouts and the last three were hardly my best days of baseball. The coach was a son of a bitch bastard who felt that me being sick was some how my fault and that I should have came anyway. This is where I learned that regardless of how you play in the regular season, the only time your skills matter at all are during tryouts. I was not cut, but the team I was placed on made me feel like I would have been better off if I had been. Rather than a varsity, JV, and JV 2 like every other school in the world, my particular school opted to take a more insulting approach.

When I was informed of what team I was on in seventh grade was one of the worst days of my life. In any other school I would have been placed on the JV 2 squad, and have a year to improve my skills with dignity to the point where I'd be on varsity by grade 9. (we had a 7, 8, 9, junior high, not like this backwards ass 6, 7, 8, out here) But this school was different. Me and my fellow team mates were made to feel like the mentally retarded by being placed on the "Developmental Team". As we all sat there in the locker room, I tried my hardest to fight back tears, as I watch a few of my friends cry for the first time in my life. As we exited the locker room in shame we returned to the gym area where the JV and Varsity squad were waiting for us. They all promptly applauded.

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to kill everyone in room? Me neither, but this is the closest I've ever came to that feeling. I was at the bottom of the pyramid. My once All-Star caliber baseball skills were being called into serious question. As I looked around at all the douche bags clapping for us in a vein attempt to make us feel better for being the worst baseball players in the school, I had a flash back to all those annoying parents with their "good swing" bull shit. After Seventh grade, I never played baseball again. Around this time I started losing interest in watching the sport on T.V. It is no coincidence that this was during the era in which the super sleuths in the mainstream media discovered that baseball players and other athletes were (gasp) using performance enhancing drugs. (Part deuce it is much better than this snore fest i promise, i just haven't written a narrative in a while and I felt it was time for one.)

Take My Eyes, but Not My Flavored Cigarettes!

Well ladies and gentlemen it looks like the United States government finally got the hint and made all flavored cigarettes illegal. This mainly consists of cinnamon, cherry, and vanilla cloves. If you don't know what a clove is, its basically a black cigarette that tastes like a chewy (joint with coke on it), but instead of weed and cocaine, its tobacco and cinnamon. They also have a delightful crackle when smoked. Its like smoking a bowl of rice crispies treats. The only flavored cigarette not included in the federal band are menthols, for obvious reasons. Needless to say, flavored cigarettes make up a very small percentage of the tobacco market in the U.S. (1%.) and are mainly smoked by nontraditional Americans such as hippies and butch lesbians, so one would assume I would rejoice in their recent illegality.

But nothing could be further from the truth. As someone not belonging to the hippie/butch lesbian subculture I have no worldly desire smoke cloves, so this ban does not directly effect me at all. But its the people behind this ban who i have a deep seeded hatred for; The American Soccer Mom.

American soccer mom's believe that any time their child does something wrong, there is always something out there to blame other than their less-than-acceptable parenting skills. "Video games made my son violent, Family Guy taught him to swear, and Harry Potter taught him the dark arts, a clear violation of Christianity". Now they're saying that their children are smoking flavored cigarettes because everyone knows that only children enjoy fruit and/or cinomon flavored things.

Apparently their children have reached the tender age of 15-17, and are clearly in an experimental phase where they do things like drink Smirnoff ice, (marketed to children), smoke Djarum Brand Cherry Cloves(marketed to children) and use black-tar heroin(again, marketed to children) I was wondering why parents were so outraged all this, so I did some research and the results were shocking. WARNING viewer discretion advised.










I know, right? Truly unbelievable. We need to get flavored cigarettes out of the hands of children and back into the hands of society's undesireables. Like I said, I'm not a clove smoker but what angers me about this ban is that the government is greatly over stepping their bounderies. The root of this problem ironically goes back to the Obama administration. Like that guy knows anything about good cigarettes. He smokes Marlboro Reds for christs sake. His administration granted the F.D.A. (Fucking Dumb Asses) the right to regulate tobacco.

There are already regulations in place that prevent children from buying cigarettes and heavily penalize the sale of tobacco to minors. And other than the ads I just mentioned, the amount of advertisement for cloves is limited to small posters in dive bars and (probably) pornographic magazines. I would be willing to bet that at least 65% of people under 18 don't even know that flavored cigarettes exist. Next thing you know flavored condoms will be illegal by March. And I just don't think I have the endurance to write a long enough blog about that.

Inglorious Basterds: An Unbiased Review

There are some artists in history who are revered for going against every conceivable "rule" to their art form. Artists like Picasso and Jimi Hendrix are shining examples of the great things that can happen when the norms of society are challenged. If only I could say the same thing for "the creator" of Inglorious Basterds. Quintin Tarantino simply tries too hard to break the mold, and the result is overly drawn out shots, dialogue that is so cryptic and enigmatic that it borders on pointless, and quirky gimmicks that are only in the movie to get the audience to think, "wow, I've never seen a director do that before, Quintin is a god damned genius! BRILLIANT!"

First off let me break down the plot for you. Contrary to what the previews would lead you to believe, this movie is by no means about Brad Pitt and an elite crew of badasses killing Nazis. Its about a young Jewish girl who escapes a rural farm house when her family is brutally murdered by the SS. She then takes over her aunts cinema, and when the Nazis decided to host a premier of a movie there, she decides to take revenge by burning the cinema down, thus killing all the high ranking members of the SS who are trapped inside. SPOILER ALERT!! My bad, that was supposed to come earlier.

My point is, when your main selling point for the movie is a shot of Brad Pitt saying, "We're in the Nazi killin' business. And Business is a boomin" its usually more than advisable to have at least 25 minutes of the movie devoted to Brad Pitt and his elite Jew Crew killing Nazis. I can hear you all whining already, "but alix, tehn where wood teh plot and karakter develupmint b?" Your point? This movie is not what the previews make it out to be at all. It is about the aforementioned Jew woman, and the plot about the Nazi killing badasses is just a minor subplot.

If it wasn't bad enough that we were outright lied to by the previews of this movie, Quintin Tarantinos feeble attempts at creativity flat out insulted my intelligence. Prepare for my description of Quintin's brilliant onscreen gimmicks; When the characters are talking in a different language such as French or German, he would sometimes have the subtitles be in the same language as the characters were talking!!! So when a French person would say "Oui", instead of the subtitle saying "yes", it would sometimes just say "oui"! If that doesn't win him the Oscars for Best Director, Best Picture, and Best Supporting Actor, then the Oscars are fixed by the mafia. Lets take an other look at some of Quintin's brilliant gimmicks throughout his illustrious show business career;

• The Pulp Fiction "Don't Be a Square" scene where Uma Thurman draws a square with her fingers and a dotted line image of a square appears on screen. Classic.
• Reservoir Dogs, a movie about a Jewel Heist that goes completely wrong, doesn't even have a Jewel Heist scene. Thats like a porn with all the sex scenes taken out. Or if you're religious and have never watched porn, its like the Bible with all the parts about Jesus taken out.
• The Bruce Lee suit in Kill Bill. Its hard to not like a movie when the whole time all you can think about is, "OMFG thats the suit that Bruce Lee used to wear lolz"
• The use of chapter title cards at the end of every major scene in most of his movies including this one. Good one!

The only reason Tarantino puts these things in all of his films is to beat it into our thick skulls that we are watching one of his epic cinematic masterpieces. There is absolutely no reason to have the screen go black with the words "Chapter #" after every major plot development. Usually the only time you would need chapter breaks are in books. Its like my film teacher from high school would always say to me and my cinematically immature friends when we would talk about how much we loved Pulp Fiction: "Quintin Tarantino is a masturbator, he only makes films to inflate his giant ego and remind his audience of who they were watching." How that makes him a masturbator I have no idea, but his point is still valid. Because lets face it. With a name like Quintin, you're going to be doing a lot of 'batin.

My recommendation for this movie is to wait until it comes out on DVD, fast forward to the scene (no, that's not plural) where they kill Nazis, then fast forward to the end where they burn down the theatre, and kill a bunch of Nazis, including Hitler. Yes Hitler. SPOILER ALERT!

The Oregon Justice Department Sux Dix

So i'm watching the news the other day, and apparently the state of oregon accidentally released a man from jail who was set to serve a 12 year sentence. For what crime, you ask? HIS ROLE IN A COCKFIGHTING RING. Thats right, America. When your involved in a dogfighting ring where the animals actually matter to society, you only get two years in jail and get to return to your elustrious NFL career with the Eagles. BUT WHEN YOU FORCE CHICKENS TO FIGHT, an animal with know measurable degree of intelligence, an animal whom we were going to make buffalo wings out of anyway, you get 12 years of your life in a FEDERAL PRISON.

This whole country can suck my cock fighting ring, and purify itself in the waters of Lake Minatonka.

You Wanna Hear a Football Joke? The CFL

What do you urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? The taste. In addition to shitty beer, they also have a shitty "proffesional" football leage. I was just as surprised as you were. A lot of people don't know Canada has professional football, because honestly, who pays attention to Canada? All people really know about Canada is that they say things incorrectly, love hockey because all their freshwater bodies are frozen year round, and have never been in a war most likely because of their high French population. I never used to really have a problem with Canadians (other than the fact that I don't like them) until I witnessed the stop and go train wreck that is Canadian football. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, and I'm assuming that's all of you, here is a run down of how their rules differ from the rules of real football.

• Three downs instead of four. Canadians will tell you this makes it more exciting because they always have to pass on second down and the game has a much faster pace. Yeah, and condoms make sex more exciting as well. You can have your "fast paced exciting passing game," we'll just have to make do with our good football players.
• The endzone is 20 yards long, and the field is 110 yards goal line to goal line. Clearly an attempt to one up America. What makes their field worse is the fact that the uprights are based on the goal line instead of behind the endzone where they should be. Cool, a giant pole right in the middle of each redzone, I'm sure that never fucks things up.
• 12 men on each side as opposed to the correct 11. Again, another feeble attempt to one up the best country ever made.
• Wide receivers are allowed to be in motion before the snap. I really don't know who this gives the advantage to. Does it make it easier for wide receivers to burn their defenders, or does it make it easier for the defense to anticipate the snap? In the end, everyone loses because they're on a Canadian football team.
• There are 8 teams in the CFL, with maximum rosters of about 42 players, and a salary cap of a mind staggering 4.2 million measly Canadian dollars. Oh well, at least with money like that players won't be tempted to buy guns with which to accidentally shoot themselves, or face the unfortunate situation of owning so much land that they had no idea their cousins were running an illegal dog fighting ring. As opposed to a legal dogfighting ring sanctioned by the UDFC.
• I don't even know why this even in the rule book; A quarterback is not allowed to play any position on defense. I don't know if the NFL has this rule or not, but I'm guessing they don't because NFL coaches know the difference between a quarterback and a cornerback. That's like making a rule that kickers can't be offensive linemen. If you put a QB on D, they'd probably end up just doing shit like this. Buy me some peanuts and crack back blocks. I don't care if he's severely injured.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but I'll Fucking Punch You in the Face

Tonight I witnessed something astounding. A breathtaking display that will forever be ingrained in my memory is one of sports' greatest moments. Lagarrete Blount of the U of O ducks punched some Boise State fag (Nancy Hout I think his name was) square in the chin. The Broncos may have gotten lucky on their stupid blue field (its been a longstanding tradition for football fields to be green in color) but Blount's devastating right punch was delivered with the power and technique of a UFC fighter, and with the rage of a liberal vegetarian protesting McDonalds for the way they treat their cattle. I fully support Blount's actions, and I suppose all you whiney sportsmanship blow-hards are going to want an explanation. and I use the term blow-hard in its literal definition.

In the video footage it is clear that Nancy Hout tapped Blount on the shoulder and said something of a taunting nature. Rather than "being the 'bigger man' and walking away" and following in the footsteps of many decorated French Military officers, he gave Hout a strait right to the chin, and apparently in Idaho, God makes chins out of glass. Hout went down faster then Lindsey Lohan on someone with a penis. It was such a hard shot that he fell to the Earth faster than gravity should naturally allow. But Earth's gravitational field was like "fuck you, Ducks rule lol".

My point being is that because of such strict laws and punishments against meaningless and harmless acts of violence like this, we currently live in a generation of shit talking mother fuckers who think they're the shit because their parents bought them a 92 jetta for their sixteenth birthday and they go to Jesuit. Even the Boise State fans were heckling Blount as he was being hauled away by numerous security personnel. He just dropped one of your football team's 250 pound linemen, I'd shut the fuck if I were you.

There are a lot of people in this world who think that violence in response to being verbal attacks are unjustified, immoral, and upsets the natural flow of the universe. Whatever the fuck that means. Its time for Americans to start manning up, and punching people in the face when they say things to us that are derogatory in nature. Then maybe, just maybe, countries will start fearing us again like after World War II.

People interpret the bible in many different ways. Some say that when Jesus said, "turn the other cheek" he meant to avoid retaliation to the best of your ability. What people fail to mention is the rest of the quote; "then when they least expect it, punch them in the face."

Benjamin Button: Brutally Reviewed

I maybe writing this blog a little late, but I feel this is something I have to get off my chest. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is perhaps the most terrible movie I have ever seen in my life. Serves me right for watching a movie where the producers feel that character development and plot line are more important than exciting gun fights and expensive explosions.  Only problem is the plot is slower than Lindsey Lohan and the character development was equivalent to an elementary school play.  Although I'll admit that I wasn't paying attention the whole time and at one point I left and went to another movie for about 25 minutes, my opinion still stands. I thought a movie about a person who ages backward might be interesting. I was more wrong than Obama's position on healthcare reform. Here's a list of things that would have made the movie a lot better.

1. An ipod. Its always fun to listen to music while watching a movie to see if the words sync up with what the lip movements of the actor. 
2. Alcohol. Not a lot, just enough to make me unable to remember a single moment of the movie.
3. The hot lesbian scene from the book that they happened to leave out. 
4. Tweak the plot a little. Instead of it being about a man who ages backwards, it can be about a man who goes to southeast asia with a group of mercenaries, overthrows a communist regime, and then at the end they blow up a large military base. That would be so awesome.  
5. Or they could have just not made the movie. That would have been swell.

I'm sick of all these movies based on old books. The only good movie ever made that was based on a book was called Rambo: First Blood. That new movie time traveler's wife seems to follow the exact same premise as the curious case: Some woman falls madly in love with a man who's life is subject to unusual circumstances. You can really go anywhere with that. In fact, i just thought of some great ideas.

The Wonderful John Tillman: John Tillman is a regular man, but on the second tuesday of every month he turns into a crocodile, making his love affair with jane quite a challenge.

The Wife of the Man with Carrots for Fingers: Its not easy being in a relationship, especially when you're a man with carrots for fingers!!!

Speed: Terrorists attach a bomb to a local city bus that is set to detonate if the buses speed drops below 55. shit, that ones already taken. 

Correcting political correctness.

I am fed up with the fact that we live in a country where we constantly change the names of things in order to seem more sensitive. and when a politician or heaven forbid an everyday citizen commit the unforgiveable sin of using ignorant language they are publicly crucified. here is a list of all the politicaly correct terms that I resent with a passion so fiery it could melt steel.

• PC term: African American: Correct term: Black -Not all people with dark skin are African. Nor are they American. Not a lot of people know about this, but there are actually people with dark skin who come to America from places like Jamaica, Brazil, Haiti, Peurto Rico, etc.
• PC term: Economic Refugee: Correct term: -Illegal Alien. Although the a lot of the people who come here from central America are hard workers, we cannot forget that they are all here unlawfully, and therefor 100% of them are criminals. How about we just come to a compromise and call them economic-alien-refugee-criminals? or EARCs for short.
• PC term: Overseas Contingency Operation: Correct Term: The War on Terror and the Iraq conflict. -For someone who promised to end the war, (Obama) it seems strange that he would try to sugar coat the whole thing by giving it such an inaccurate new title. Its almost like he wants us to forget about it so they can stay there..

Get it together America, or someones going to get it together for you.